"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."     

~Dave Barry

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."

~Franklin P. Jones

"Dogs are like chips, you can't have just one!"


"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."

~Rita Rudner

"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you."

~Jay Leno

"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."

~Tommy Cooper

"I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd."

~Steven Wright

"When its raining cats and dogs, be sure not to step in the poodles."


"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"


"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

~Joe Weinstein

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."


"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."


"If you want the best seat in the house ... move the dog."


"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."

~Dave Barry

"The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother - and they'll settle for a puppy every time."

~Winston Pendelton

"A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts."

~Frank Skinner

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."

~Penny Ward Moser

"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."

~Danish Proverb

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

~Groucho Marx

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."

~Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"

~Anne Tyler

"I'm a mog. Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend"

~Barf, played by John Candy in Spaceballs

"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing milk bone underwear."

~Norm from Cheers

"Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes."

~Lewis Grizzard

lynnsmith small